Recipe for long-lasting marriages

Recently on the internet* there has been the heart-warming story of a 96 year old man who, within a month of losing his wife of 73 years, had written the lyrics of a love song to her, and entered it into a competition.  Although the song did not meet the contest’s criteria, the organisers were so touched that they wrote the song for him.

For most of us it is almost impossible to contemplate a marriage lasting that long, when so many people these days seems to marry in haste and repent at leisure.

By contrast, for the last year or more, a young woman I know has told us every week of some detail about her forthcoming wedding (due in a few weeks). She is not spending stupid amounts of money on it, thank goodness, but what grates on me is her obsession with The Day rather than with The Marriage or The Groom.  Why do brides fixate so heavily on one day in their entire lives which - in fact, according to probabilities – will be repeated later in their life, even if not with the same histrionics?

It seems that men and women approach marriage with very different intentions, understanding and mind-set.  It is not at all uncommon for a man to know almost at the outset, and often when he is really quite young (almost too immature to know his own mind, one would have thought) that this is the woman he intends to marry.  Delve into any of the super-long marriages celebrated in the local newspaper and the husband will say, “I knew immediately this was the woman I wanted to marry.”

I don’t think women go into marriage with the same frame of mind at all.  Most women are incurably romantic in the sense that they visualise the wedding ceremony, the dress, the new signature, the babies, in the aura of every man they date. It may be to a lesser degree with some boyfriends than others, but it’s there.  The potential husband – unconsciously no doubt – is seen as a means to an end.  A means to escape from an uncomfortable dwelling place, loneliness, a boring job etc.  Plus a means to fulfil a biological necessity to bear children and acquire a secure roof over their heads.  While men have the same biological drive to reproduce, marriage as a precursor is not programmed into them as it is with women.

Consequently women go into marriage with the immediate benefits taking up the whole of their vision; men go into it with a vision of the long haul.  No wonder areas of irritation such as the toilet seat being left up, worry women rather than men – that wasn’t part of the vision when they were being fitted for The Dress!

So what is the glue that holds marriage together?  Since for every man who stays married for 40, 50, 60 years, there is a wife who stayed married too.  When one thinks of the upheaval in a couple’s life when babies arrive, it is a miracle that any relationship survives beyond that point.  It speaks volumes for the husbands who, not being so bodily or psychologically involved in the baby-growing process, don’t opt out at that stage.  Women  by that time are fixated wholly on the pregnancy, the birth, the rearing etc – no wonder many husbands feel cut adrift at that point. Marginalised perhaps.  Surplus to requirements.

Which raises the question of loyalty and fidelity.  Not the same by any means.  This may be a difficult concept for many women to grasp, but while some men may be unfaithful to their wives, they remain steadfastly loyal.  Conversely, while most women remain faithful to their husbands, they aren’t always loyal.  Women, while remaining nominally faithful to their man, will think nothing of criticising him behind his back – whether it’s leaving his clothes on the floor or being ‘demanding’ too often when the wife would sooner say ‘no’.  Men – generally speaking – never criticise their wives behind their backs, and are unlikely to discuss their wives even with their close friends.  Yet women feel totally betrayed by a husband’s casual infidelity, usually without acknowledging that there may have been some missing element in their marriage that caused the husband to play away.  In the film, The Women, Meg Ryan features as a betrayed wife.  At one point she is surrounded by 3 indignant and supportive friends, one of whom has the temerity to suggest that the betrayed wife may have played a causative role in the infidelity.  The others howl their derision at such a notion, but perhaps a male scriptwriter saw his chance to give the other side of the story for once.

In a marriage lasting 40, 50 or more years, the couple must encounter every combination of circumstances that test their unity, affection, persistence and loyalty, but still they stay together.  Men are generally enormously devoted and loyal to their wives and get little credit for it.  I hope my young female acquaintance marries such a man, and appreciates him for what he truly is, rather than concentrating on his minor peccadilloes.

 

 

* http://www.zenmoments.org/sweet-lorraine-love-song/

Love is not Time’s Fool – from Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116